Thursday 6 June 2013

SKYFALL



 SKY FALL                                                            The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
There is NO TRACKING WHITE DOT because the franchise has MOVED ON into a BOLD NEW ERA and is NOT RELYING ON THE SAME OLD TIRED GIMMICKS, NO REALLY. Instead we open with...
INT. ROOM
DANIEL CRAIG bursts in to find a LAPTOP and a FELLOW AGENT, both missing most of their GUTS.
                          DANIEL CRAIG
                 Don't worry, unnamed non-speaking  
                       role,I'll help you!

                            JUDI DENCH
                            (on radio)
                 Leave him, Daniel! We must demonstrate
                 that I will sacrifice any agent 
                 for the mission, it's not like
                 we're going to demonstrate it again
                 far more emphatically in about five minutes.

DANIEL and spy sidekick NAOMIE HARRIS chase an EVIL GUY using EVERYTHING WITH WHEELS.
                           DANIEL CRAIG
                  Damn, he's jumped onto a train
                  carrying an assortment of vehicles
                  and heavy machinery, thoughtfully
                  arranged to facilitate a classic bit
                         of Bondian mayhem!

DANIEL JUMPS into a BACKHOE on the TRAIN in FULL VIEW of the EVIL GUY and slowly ROTATES the cabin to face him, a display of tactical brilliance that results in DANIEL getting SHOT 300 TIMES!
                           DANIEL CRAIG
                   Arrgh, all 300 bullets hit me in 
                the right shoulder! What are the odds?!

DANIEL rips the ASS off the TRAIN with the BACKHOE'S SCOOP, then CLIMBS onto it and spends some time BALANCING HIMSELF.
                           DANIEL CRAIG
                  Good thing the evil guy went to the
                  other end of the train, otherwise
                  he'd have all day to finish me off.

DANIEL LEAPS onto the TRAIN and ADJUSTS HIS SUIT and is FUCKING BALLS-AWESOME and instantly makes the movie TEN TIMES BETTER than QUANTUM OF SOLACE.
                                  
                                                         CUT TO:
INT. MI6 HQ

                         RORY KINNEAR
                   (fiddling with controls)
              Oh crap, somehow we've lost contact
              with Daniel but can still communicate
                   totally fine with Naomie!

                         JUDI DENCH
              What's happening Naomie? Can you catch 
                           the train?

                        NAOMIE HARRIS
                         (on radio)
              Why would I need to? No way will it just
              keep going with a gaping hole in the back,
              that would be idiotic. Why don't you have
              a swarm of military helicopters descend on
              our position when it stops? Then we can
                    easily capture the evil guy.

                         JUDI DENCH
              I can't do that, the "swarm of helicopters"
              button only works if it's halfway through
              the movie!! Shoot wildly, that's a far
                          better plan!

NAOMIE SHOOTS and hits DANIEL who plummets off a BRIDGE into a LAKE! And since her HIGH-POWERED SUPER ADVANCED SPY RIFLE has an awesome firing rate of ONE ROUND PER HOUR, the EVIL GUY ESCAPES! Meanwhile DANIEL SUBMERGES into...

INT. PSYCHADELIC OPENING CREDIT MONTAGE

                           ADELE
                         (singing)
                     We're back again...
                 Another mission will begin...
                 Storylines worn so thin...
                 Do these films have no end?
                          (verse)
                 It's been fifty years
                 The audience still cheering
                 But even when we're jeering
                 We hold it all so dear...
                         (chorus)
                 'Cause we're spy fools,
                  Craving spy duels,
                  Clinging like ghouls
                  To a jewelled possession,
                  We're such spy fools
                  It's a firm rule,
                  Any ripe stool
                 Can fuel our obsession
                 We're spy fools...

INT. RALPH FIENNES'S OFFICE

                     RALPH FIENNES
                 Dammit Judi, I can't believe
                 you let that evil guy steal a
                 computer file holding the identities
                 of every single spy on Earth. You KNOW 
                 that losing those files is Mission:
                    Impossible's jurisdiction.
                    
                       JUDI DENCH
                We should probably stop making those
                comprehensive files, when you think about it...

                      RALPH FIENNES
                And since you fucked up, we're giving
                you two days until retirement.

                       JUDI DENCH
                Two days until retirement? Wouldn't it
                be easier to hang banners saying "HEY GUYS,
                JUDI DENCH GETS KILLED OFF IN THIS MOVIE"?

                      RALPH FIENNES
                  Fine. Two months, then.

EXT. RANDOM FARAWAY TROPICAL ISLAND

DANIEL CRAIG saunters about FUCKING and DRINKING everything that can be DRUNK or FUCKED, including something resembling a HEINEKEN causing various JAMES BOND PURISTS to have ANEURYSMS.

                     WOLF BLITZER
                       (on TV)
              We interrupt whatever program is showing
              on the high-def flatscreen TV in your
              remote island bamboo tropical bar to
              announce that MI6 has blown up.

INT. JUDI DENCH'S HOUSE

JUDI DENCH arrives and finds DANIEL waiting for her.
        
                      JUDI DENCH
              So, you've come back to help.

                      DANIEL CRAIG
                        Indeed.

                      JUDI DENCH
                       (pause)
              Are we going to explain how you
              survived being shot multiple times,
              and then survived plunging off a bridge
                  to certain death?

                     DANIEL CRAIG
               Not even a little bit.

                     JUDI DENCH
                     Right then.

INT. NEW MI6 HEADQUARTERS

                     RORY KINNEAR
             Welcome to our new underground base,
            007, I'll be your Agent-Coulson-esque
            expository guide. Anyway, we need you
            to re-certify you for active duty before
            we can get the plot moving again.
                     (to camera)

Will James Bond be stuck at a desk job for the next two hours? OH THE SUSPENSE!

DANIEL CRAIG proceeds to SUCK TOTAL ASS at a bunch of PHYSICAL TESTS.

                     DANIEL CRAIG
           Shit, and my aim has gone all to crap,
           too. Well I know it's all about setting
           up a big dramatic moment later on, so I'll
           suffer through it. Now off to...
 
                    RALPH FIENNES
           Not so fast! To test your MENTAL readiness 
           to truly be James Bond again, I'm going
           to do some word association with you. Ready?
           Here we go.
           (pause)
           Gold...
                        DANIEL CRAIG
           Fish.
                        RALPH FIENNES
           Thunder...
                        DANIEL CRAIG
           Cats.
                        RALPH FIENNES
                     (muttering)
           Not a good start...
                      (aloud)
           Octo...
                       DANIEL CRAIG
           Mom.
                       RALPH FIENNES
               (growing impatient)
           Licence to...
                        DANIEL CRAIG
           Drive.
                        RALPH FIENES
                     (exasperated)
          Oh for God's sake, SKY...
                         DANIEL CRAIG
           Net?
                         RALPH FIENNES
               FALL! FUCKING FALL!! SKY-FALL!!
                        
                         DANIEL CRAIG
                           (pause)
                  That's not even a word.

                        RALPH FIENNES
                         (glares)

INT. JUDI DENCH'S NEW OFFICE

DANIEL arrives with a plastic bag of METAL SHARDS.

                        DANIEL CRAIG
                I sensed that the bullet fragments
                inside my body were of an unusual
                composition, so I dug them out, by
                myself with an old spoon, as I'm sure

                we have no medical personnel. We
                should test them.

                          BEN WISHAW
                     (testing fragments)
                My God, you're right! Only one person
                on Earth uses bullets of this
                ridiculously rare metal. The evil
                guy you were chasing is in fact
                the notorious assassin, Evil Guy,
                whose memorable traits include absolutely
                nothing whatsoever!
                          (pause)
                So where's the wound from where Naomie
                shot you?

                        DANIEL CRAIG
                   Er... hey, who are you?

                        BEN WISHAW
                I'm the new Q. That's right, we
                weren't going to be all gimmick
                crazy any more, but we've brought
                back the role of Q anyway. I mean 
                it's always helpful to have some
                scenes that almost literally write
                themselves. Now do try to be careful,
                007.

                       JUDI DENCH
                According to our sources, Evil Guy
                is on assignment in beautiful downtown
                Shanghai, with its staggering assortment
                of luxury hotels, fine dining, and
                world-class entertainment! Go get him,
                Daniel!

EXT. THE VIBRANT, BUSTLING YET INVITING TOWN OF SHANGHAI, IT'S WHERE THE PRESENT MEETS THE FUTURE WITH A NOD TO THE PAST! BOOK YOUR TICKETS TODAY!

DANIEL trails EVIL GUY to a place with ELEVATORS. EVIL GUY gets into one, and DANIEL impressively grabs onto the BOTTOM OF THE ELEVATOR which would be EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE if there weren't TWO OTHER PERFECTLY FINE USEABLE ELEVATORS. The ELEVATOR STOPS but by the time DANIEL manages to SWING OVER to another door and PRY IT OPEN, EVIL GUY is gone!

                     DANIEL CRAIG
           Damn, now I'll never find him unless
           for some reason all the walls on this
           level are made of glass... oh hey,
           whaddya know.

DANIEL finds EVIL GUY preparing to ASSASSINATE some DUDE looking at ART.

                      DANIEL CRAIG
            Hm, I could take out Evil Guy while
            he's all focussed on taking his shot,
            and save his intended target in the process.
            But on the other hand, the target is looking

            at some stupid painting instead of Berenice
            Marlohe, so fuck him.

Suddenly NEON LIGHTS PUKE ON EVERYTHING and ABSTRACT SHAPES start FUCKING EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING and at the end of it ART DUDE and EVIL GUY are DEAD.

                     BERENICE MARLOHE
            (squinting across from other building)
          If I have only one goal for the rest of
          my life it is to bone that mysterious
          shadowy figure.

DANIEL finds a NOVELTY POKER CHIP in EVIL GUY'S BRIEFCASE.
 
                       DANIEL CRAIG
           Ah of course, instead of his employer
           secretly wiring money to a secure account,
           like would be normal, he has to show up
           in person to redeem this novelty poker chip.
           That's certainly something anyone whose
           career depends on anonymity would agree to.

EXT. MACAU CASINO
DANIEL DISTRACTS everyone by sending a LIFE-SIZE CUTOUT of himself in a BOAT to the FRONT DOOR, while he sneaks in the BACK and trades the NOVELTY POKER CHIP for a SHINY BRIEFCASE OF MONEY.

                      NAOMIE HARRIS
         Remember, I'm here too, in case you need help.

                      DANIEL CRAIG
         Excellent. Let me first destroy my earpiece
         so as to drastically reduce your ability
         to help.

                     BERENICE MARLOHE
                     (walking over)
          Welcome to my casino. I see you've ordered
          a martini shaken, not stirred, so I guess
          THAT'S back again.

                       DANIEL CRAIG
         I need you to take me to Javier Bardem.
         We're almost halfway through this damn
         thing and we haven't even seen him yet.

                      BERENICE MARLOHE
          What makes you think I'm in cahoots with Javier?

                       DANIEL CRAIG
          It's okay, I realize that you're actually
         his captive, and you've led a hopeless
         and miserable existence for years. If you
         help me, I promise not to waste all your
         character's backstory by tossing you aside
         faster than a spent tissue.

                    BERENICE MARLOHE
          Very well then, I will. But you can't leave
          without fighting our bouncers, it's our
          version of a coat check system.

DANIEL fights the EVIL BOUNCERS in a DRAGON PIT, but uses his secret agent technique of THE DRAGONS NOT GIVING ONE SINGLE FUCK ABOUT HIM to ESCAPE!
  
                      DANIEL CRAIG
           Phew, that was close. Here Naomie, take
           the money and explain things to the
           remaining violent criminals while I
           abandon you. Yoink!
                   (scampers off)
DANIEL and BERENICE get on her BOAT and go to JAVIER'S FORTRESS OF BEIGETUDE. Oh, and FUCK.

                       DANIEL CRAIG
            Time to get captured and brought before
            Javier. Don't worry though Berenice,
            I have an awesome plan that TOTALLY
            involves you being alive at the end.

INT. SHOWROOM FOR BED, BATH, AND BARDEM'S 2013 "ISLAND SAND" COLLECTION

DANIEL is tied to a CHAIR but this time CLOTHED so SORRY, LADIES.
                  
                       JAVIER BARDEM
             Welcome, Mr. Bond. Allow me to explain
             myself, I am a shadowy reflection of you,
             nyah ha ha, I have evil computers that
             can do anything, ha ha, etcetera, oh my
             God this is so fucking stale.

                       DANIEL CRAIG
             What if we take the traditional homoerotic
             undercurrent and make it explicit? That'd be    
             different.

                      JAVIER BARDEM
             I guess so. How far you wanna take it?

                      DANIEL CRAIG
             About as far as my previous line,
             so that's done. Let's go back to
             the standard routine where you
             threaten the girl.

HENCHMEN take DANIEL OUTSIDE where BERENICE is tied to a statue thing.

                     BERENICE MARLOHE
              Oh thank goodness, you're alive.
              Now you can overpower everyone and
              save me, right?

                      DANIEL CRAIG
              Not quite. These goons are just
              sliiiiightly too well armed.
              Maybe if they had one fewer
              bullet I could take them.

                    BERENICE MARLOHE
             One? That's all? But why would they
             have exactly one fewer...
                       (realizes)
                 ...oh, you asshole.

JAVIER fires his GUN at BERENICE who presumably DIES but of course they can't actually SHOW us because we are poor delicate fainting wisps of creatures who of our own free will just paid MONEY to see A JAMES BOND MOVIE FOR CHRISSAKE I THINK WE WERE AWARE SOMEONE MIGHT GET HURT.

                      DANIEL CRAIG
                     That's better!
                  (defeats all bad guys)
             Phew. It may look like I won without
             breaking a sweat, but trust me, if
             they'd had that one extra bullet,
             hoo boy!

The BRITISH ARMY arrive with ALL THE HELICOPTERS and everyone shares a HEROIC MOMENT OF TRIUMPH while trying not to look at the DEAD WOMAN they might have SAVED if they'd acted all of TEN SECONDS earlier.

INT. GOVERNMENT HEARING CHAMBER
JUDI DENCH is testifying at one of those MOVIE GOVERNMENT COMMISSIONS that exist solely to BUST MOVIE PROTAGONISTS' BALLS.
MEDDLESOME GOVERNMENT SHREW
So Judi, what are you doing about the Javier threat?

                         JUDI DENCH
           It's okay, we already got him. Crisis over!

                  MEDDLESOME GOVERNMENT SHREW
           Wait, what? You captured the bad guy
           IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMNED MOVIE?

                        JUDI DENCH
                       (defensively)
           Yes, but the "helicopter swarm" button
           only works if...

                   MEDDLESOME GOVERNMENT SHREW
           Are you some kind of fucking moron, that
           ALWAYS means it's only part of his
           master plan! Heath Ledger did it, that
           fucking Loki guy did it and that was
           earlier this goddamn year! How fucking
           dense are you?!?

                         JUDI DENCH
            Yeah well, Alfred Lord Tennyson, bitch.
                         (drops mic)

INT. MI6
BEN WISHAW prepares to HACK JAVIER'S LAPTOP.

                        RORY KINNEAR
            Surely we have a dedicated, isolated
            computer specifically designed
            for such tasks?

                         BEN WISHAW
            No, silly, I'm plugging it directly
            into the mainframe that controls
            everything! Now let's open a bunch
            of these email attachments promising
            to enlarge my penis.

                        RORY KINNEAR
            Oh fuck, Javier just escaped! All
            his intricate machinations are about
            to pay off! What devious maneuver has
            just been made possible by all this
            elaborate scheming!

JAVIER'S HUGE DIABOLICAL PLAN comes to FRUITION as he goes to the TOTALLY NON-SECRET, ADDRESS IS ON THEIR WEB SITE, ANYONE COULD GO THERE ANY TIME THEY WANT, GOVERNMENT BUILDING where JUDI DENCH is, overpowers ONE GUARD, and SHOOTS at her. However DANIEL creates some STEAM, rendering all of JAVIER'S SPY TRAINING utterly USELESS and he LEAVES.

EXT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING

                        DANIEL CRAIG
              Quick, Judi. Come with me in the
               Goldfinger Aston Martin!

                        JUDI DENCH
             Didn't we already do an affectionate
              nod to that car two movies ago?

                       DANIEL CRAIG
            We did. But now it's the actual Goldfinger
            car with ejector seats and machine guns 
            and everything!

                       JUDI DENCH
            So are we bringing Goldfinger back
            into continuity now? Because that
            would open quite the can of worms,
            if the can were 200 miles wide, and
            the worms were Velociraptors.

                       DANIEL CRAIG
            Rather than answer that, let's really
            fire up the Bond theme song as we
            heroically RUN AWAY! I mean, STRATEGICALLY
            REGROUP! Either way it's definitely the
            best time for the rousing hero theme!
CUE: BOND THEME
                       JUDI DENCH
                So what's your plan?

                     DANIEL CRAIG
            Let's go to my family home. And
            I'll leave a trail of super subtle
            cryptic clues so that Javier can
            fiendishly deduce that we went
            to MY OWN HOUSE.

EXT. SKYFALL
                     JUDI DENCH
            Huh, so "Skyfall" is the name of
            your family estate. That's random.

                    DANIEL CRAIG
            Yeah, it was coined as a fancy word
            for sunset, that moment when the
            bright blue sky gives way to darkest
            night. I guess instead of "sky fall"
            we could have gone with "dark night
            rises" but for some reason we didn't.

                     JUDI DENCH
            Oh be quiet, you rugged grim pointy
            -eared fighter/gadget hero returning
            from self-imposed isolation and a
            horrible injury in order to defeat
            a nemesis trained by the same secret
            organization as you who has his own
            private army and makes plans using
            underground tunnels.

DANIEL takes JUDI on a tour of the ESTATE.
                   
                     DANIEL CRAIG
            And over here is my parents' grave,
            so everyone who keeps insisting James
            Bond is just a codename can officially
            GO FUCK THEMSELVES.

                     ALBERT FINNEY
                      (arriving)
            Er, hi. This role was supposed to
            be Connery's, but he told the producers
            to gargle walrus balls and so instead,
            it's me. Sorry.

                       DANIEL CRAIG
            That's okay, you can still help me
            regain my marksmanship prowess in a
            crucial, dramatic moment of...
              (regains marksmanship prowess)
                         ...oh.

                      ALBERT FINNEY
            Why even bother? Surely you're going to
            lead Javier here, and then with
            his position pinpointed you're going to
            have a swarm of military helicopters
            swoop in and...

                        JUDI DENCH
            THAT ONLY WORKS HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE
            GODDAMMIT. HONESTLY I KEEP TELLING YOU
            PEOPLE. BLOODY CHRIST.

                       DANIEL CRAIG
            All right then, we'll have to defend my
            house without outside help. I'll modify
            some lightbulbs to explode nails. Judi,
            you rig some floorboards to whack people
            in the face, and Albert, scatter these
            broken Christmas ornaments by the front
            door. That should do it.
                     (hears noises outside)
            That's him coming now! OH NOOO!!
            (mugs to camera, slaps hands to either
                              side of face)

JAVIER arrives with a bunch of MERCENARIES who obligingly SET OFF all the traps but not before MORTALLY WOUNDING JUDI DENCH.

                        DANIEL CRAIG
             Oh dear, Judi is badly hurt. Must keep
             a cool head, though.

JAVIER DESTROYS the GOLDFINGER CAR!
                        DANIEL CRAIG
             ARRRGH YOU BLEW UP MY CAR, THAT DOES IT!

DANIEL RAGE QUITS the MANOR by willing some PROPANE TANKS into existence and then EXPLODING them! JUDI and ALBERT hide in a nearby CHAPEL while DANIEL has a BIG FINAL SHOWDOWN with a HENCHMAN WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.

INT. ABANDONED CHAPEL
                       JAVIER BARDEM
          There you are Judi! Now to culminate
          my sketchily outlined revenge motivation,
          by giving you a chance to shoot a gun
          through both our heads! Because I am
          crazy, you see.

                          JUDI DENCH
          Hm, the fact that I'm fatally wounded
          and have only moments to live, combined
          with my firm belief in sacrificing agents
          to get the job done, would suggest that I
          should really just go for it. But then Daniel
          wouldn't get to be the big hero, so I won't.
          And oh look, he killed you while I was going
          on and on. Urk.
          (dies)

EXT. LONDON - LATER ON
                     
                     DANIEL CRAIG
           I stand overlooking the city, as my
           coat billows dramatically. I am...
           BONDMAN!

                     NAOMIE HARRIS
           And guess what, my REAL name was Robin,
           ALL ALONG!
                        (grins)
           I mean, Moneypenny. Oops.

                     DANIEL CRAIG
           Now we can continue this fresh new take
           on Bond that isn't shackled to all the
           overworn baggage of the earlier movies.
           Except for all the stuff we brought back
           in this movie. And added from other movies.
           Really I'm surprised we didn't move into
           Avengers Tower while we were at it.

                    NAOMIE HARRIS
           Ha ha ha, a British-Avengers movie, how
           awful would THAT be.

                     RALPH FIENNES
                    (from inside)
                     I HEARD THAT.

END
...AND OH LOOK IT'S THE TRACKING WHITE DOT.

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